It’s been a week since we were put on lockdown.
Slowly its sinking in. What our new norm could look like, and I’m not comfortable with it. Not by a long shot….
I hate that I am now queueing to get into a supermarket. More time spent outside than in. I hate that we are all lined up like wooden figures, all feeling fearful of something we can’t quite put our finger on.
Some days are ok. Filled with work, exercise, walks still in the fresh air. But other days I wake after a fitful nights sleep with the taste of unease on my lips.
I don’t do well when I am feeling caged in, its why I love to travel. To see the road stretch out ahead of me will all its endless possibility.
Of course our travel plans are now well and truly shelved. We’ve heard murmurings of this lasting 6 months, and seen other vanlifers that we follow all being forced to abandon their vans around the globe, and get back to their country of birth. Its frightening and certainly not something that we could or should be pursuing now. Which makes me so sad. I was so excited to be getting back to the road. To doing the thing that I love the most.
I had spent the last few months downsizing our belongings in preparation. I’d started to crate things up, decide what was going to storage and what was coming with us. I haven’t got the heart at the moment to unpack and put things back out.
The lists we had made and plans we had drawn up are still hung on the walls. They were a focus for us as we prepared to leave, but now they are just a reminder of what we have lost. However, I can’t bring myself to take them down either. That would be too final, and although we have had many discussions since this all started as to how we could still make it work, the reality is that the longer this all goes on, the less likely we will be going.
So what now? Where next? With the added stress of our current abode possibly not being available for much longer (a very long story that its probably not worth going into here), our situation looks quite fragile.
It feels as if someone has very definitely taken a pin and popped my dream.
But of course, I am still so lucky. For now I do have a roof over my head, food in the cupboards, and the best man in the world by my side. Dreams do change sometimes, and the trick is to move with them when they do. Its ok to mourn the loss of what you had wanted, to allow the tears to flow in order to wash one particular dream away. In doing that, you create room for another to take its place.
It may not look how you wanted it, but the best thing is to simply allow it.
We may be living through fragile times at the moment, but out of the broken we find the strength to start again.